From Zena el-Khalil

I have started coughing, but I don’t know why. I am not
sick. I don’t have a cold. I think it’s a reaction I’m
having to stress. My body feels weak. My mouth is always
dry, no matter how much water I drink. And I’m afraid to
drink too much water because I don’t want it to run out!

Last night was probably the most frightful night I have ever
experienced in my whole entire life. I was so tired and
exhausted… have not slept in days. When there is finally a
quiet moment, the tension in my stomach and heart prevents
me from falling asleep.

Last night we counted at least 15 bombs falling into Dahiyeh
(Beirut Suburbs).. and these were just the ones we heard. At
some point during the night, I said to myself that if I
didn’t at least try to get some sleep that I was going to go
crazy from fatigue; and that that was what was going to kill
me. Haven9t been able to eat either, so am losing physical
strength. It9s all psychological at this point. I know I
have to be strong, and I will be, but I can’t deny what I9m
going through. And I think it’s important that people hear
about the downside as well as the bravery. So many of us are
already working hard to fix things, we are running around
Beirut trying to get food and water and medicine to people,
we are doing things online, etc, but it doesn’t mean we are
not scared, sick or tired.

So, last night amidst the worst shelling we’ve had so far, I
realized that I was not afraid of the noise anymore; how
quickly you get used to it. I realized what was hurting the
most was the “UNKNOWN”. What is going to happen tomorrow?
When will this all end? How are we going to start re-
building again? Are the refugees going to be ok? How are the
people in the south? And why punish a whole country? What is
the real plan behind all of this? How much worse is it going
to get?

My husband and I have been housing foreign “refugees”
helping them to find their way out of the country. Two
managed to leave this morning, a German and Swiss. The other
two are British and American. The craziest thing is that out
of all people, the American embassy has been the LEAST
helpful to its citizens here. The phone line to the embassy
has been practically out of service. My friend, Amanda,
(whom I just met a few days ago, by the way) had to hire a
cab to take her to the embassy (which is a ride out of
Beirut) and all they could tell her was that they didn9t
know what they were going to do and to keep checking the
website. Only thing she has gotten on the website is that
she now knows that there is going to be an evacuation (5 day
ater), but when it happens, she is going to have to pay for
it! Yes, they are saying to their citizens that they are
going to bill them for their ride out! Can you believe
that?!

Trying to evacuate people has put me under stress. The
question is what am I to do if I had the opportunity to
leave? Would I leave? What do I do with my friends? My
family? My art studio? I have a British passport; I could be
evacuated with my husband. But what would happen to my best
friend Maya? She has a very rare and bad case of CANCER! I
have been taking care of her since she was diagnosed a few
months ago and I know that my care for her is what has
helped her do so well. Her type of cancer is “untreatable”,
but ironically, the day the shelling started, her doctor
told us her tumors had shrunk! Unbelievable- a true miracle.
I can’t leave Maya!

What about art work in my studio? What about all my brushes
and paints and glitter and books! All my books! Again- the
crazy things that cross your mind.

What about our photo albums? All our family pictures? The
memories…

What about the doodles I drew on my balcony a few summers
ago when I was suffering from a bad break up?

What about all the love letters I have saved? Letters that
document my youth that I wanted to some day give to my
daughter.

What about my other best friend? My dog, Tampopo? My
beautiful Jack Russel Terrier who has never let me down. Who
has always been a source of purity and compassion… Who has
eyes of an angle… Dogs are not allowed to evacuate. My
American friend Christine is going to have to leave her dog
with me; a black pug named Baousi (means Kiss in Arabic).
She is heartbroken! She almost didn’t want to evacuate. She
went to so many embassies to try and register with them and
see if they would take her dog. Don’t worry Christine, I
will take great care of Baousi.

My sister has been volunteering to help the refugees who are
being sheltered in public schools. Right now they are
calling on Lebanese citizens to help out with money,
medicine, food, water, blankets and mattresses. She has been
going to people and asking for money and then going out to
buy medicines for refugees- her own initiative! My mom has
joined in too. A friend has put together a website for
accepting donations:

http://atrissi.com/helplebanon/

Biggest cynical statement of the day: Israel has told people
to evacuate from the south because they are going to
annihilate the south of Lebanon. However, the people can not
leave because all the roads have been destroyed/blocked. And
yesterday when people did try and leave, the Israelis opened
fire on them! A massacre is happening!

Update on the attacks, as of yesterday:
– Israelis have been bombing the south of Lebanon
with phosphorus and other chemical bombs.
– Israelis have bombed all ports along the coastline of Lebanon.
– Israelis have bombed all our local army radars and some outposts
– Israelis have bombed/attacked the fire fighting brigade and
the Search and Rescue Brigade in the South.
Innocent civilian lives were lost. It was a massacre –
the buildings were also housing refugees.
– Israelis have continued to bomb the suburb of Beirut,
Dahiyeh & Haret Hreik
– Israelis have now killed over 100 civilians and there
are several hundreds wounded – and they continue to bomb the south
– Israelis have started hitting roads that lead to the mountains.
They hit a main one leading to the Shouf.
– Israelis have hit a gas plant in the mountains

… I can’t keep up with what they have hit.

*** Israel has begun to target Lebanese army outposts. They
have killed Lebanese soldiers. They are no longer just
targeting Hizuballah. They mean to kill all of Lebanon.

The reality:

Israel is trying to bring Lebanon to its knees. Israel is
trying to destroy Lebanon and the Lebanese spirit. Israel is
trying to turn Lebanese against each other. Israel is trying
to turn us into animals scrounging for food, water and
shelter. Israel and the United States of America are trying
to drag Syria and Iran into this too. They are using Lebanon
as bait. Lebanon is stuck in the middle. The Americans and
Israelis are trying to launch a regional war!!

Please help in any way you can.
Please pass on the message, this email – reprint if you wish.
Please tell people what is going on.
Please put pressure on your respective governments to step in
and do something.

Lebanon is a peaceful country. We are the only country in
the region in which people of all religions co-exist
peacefully.

It is unbelievable how biased the news is. They are not
reporting the real damage being caused. They don9t report
that the Israelis are killing innocent civilians. It seems
from this end that all they are focusing on is G8!

Are the Israeli & US government really just trying to wipe
us all out?? Well, you can tell them that I’m not leaving.
And there are many of us who are not leaving. We love
Lebanon. We love what we have spent our lives building.

Tell them about people like me.. who build culture and
tolerance. Who work for peace and understanding. Who work to
educate. Who work to promote love and compassion. There are
thousands like me here. What about us?

Tell them about people like me, that despite all of this, I
have still not learnt to hate. They can take everything from
me, but not my dignity. Not my morals and beliefs. They will
never never break my spirit.

Tell the Israeli citizens what their government is doing to
us. Tell them that violence begets violence. Remind them
that Lebanon is their neighbor and that co-existence is
possible. How are we going to ever reach an understanding
through violence? We were so close… We were so close…

Please stop this brutality!

Still with love,
Zena el-Khalil

By the way, did I mention Maya’s tumors are getting smaller?
Did I mention there was a wedding across the street yesterday?

Don’t know how much longer this email will still be up for,
but in case of an emergency, there is always
ziggydoodle[AT]yahoo.com